


Nothing

by castielrisingabove



Series: A New Chapter [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Cheating, M/M, Married!sastiel, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-15
Updated: 2015-07-15
Packaged: 2018-04-09 10:36:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4345274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/castielrisingabove/pseuds/castielrisingabove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Drabble. Cas has been married to Sam for almost a year when his greatest fears are discovered. Actually, I know this sucks, but I had to write it out somewhere.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nothing

Angels weren't made to love. It's understandable, of course, since angels are essentially heavenly weapons with thought. Emotions, especially those as crippling as love, only serve to make things complicated and, inevitably, painful. It's easier, more efficient, to execute tasks in cold, calculated blows. A quick stop to Earth, then another couple centuries of pleasant numbing to forget any possible side effects of using a human vessel.

Cas, however, has been on Earth far too long. And if his being wasn't already polluted by his lengthy exposure to humanity (it was), his stint without grace, fully human, hammered emotions home. HARD. The small cracks of rebellion that have always lined Castiel's beings have split open, leaving him free to experience the full human spectrum. Leaving him vulnerable.

For a while, he never would have called those feelings a weakness. It meant saving innocent people. It meant growing closer to those in need. It meant finding a sort of home with Sam and Dean, a place where he truly felt safe. A place where he could belong. 

It took work, of course. Castiel wasn't accustomed to being human, and he certainly wasn't integrated into the Winchester routine. How could he be? They had been together for decades. Cas couldn't help but notice how close they were and he longed to be a part of it.

Then, one day, he was. He'd fallen for Sam slowly, though the next thing Cas knew, they were making out on the hood of the Impala. It was warm and soft, calloused and rough, confusing and enchanting all at once. Their love continued to blossom until one day...they decided to be married. It was a sporadic thing, done in the living room of the Bunker with Dean acting as minister, yet it was the best day of Castiel's life. Hands down.

Of course, this didn't change the fact that Cas still often felt out of place with the Winchesters. Their closeness was...unparalleled to anything he'd seen before. On bad days, Cas grew jealous, calling them out for being too close. He was always reassured, however, that they were just brothers. He was always reassured that Sam loved him in a way he didn't love Dean. And after a while, Cas did the worst thing of all. He believed it.

What would have things been like if he hadn't? What would have it been like if he'd never committed, never fully allowed himself to fall? These are questions he still asks.

The thing was, the marriage went south. Not that there was fighting...the thing was, there wasn't  _anything_. Sam was busy. That was all. So Cas waited. And waited. And waited. Until one day...

...it had been an accident. He hadn't meant to stumble upon it. All Cas was doing was wandering the Bunker (what once would have been brimming with cheerful noise was now painfully quiet) when he came upon Dean's room. Which was not quiet. Not conversation, exactly. More like...moans.

That was the moment Cas wished, no,  _prayed,_ that he could return to being an angel. That he could resume that perfect, calming, numbness. Because what he saw ripped his heart out. Sam and Dean, shirtless, lips locked in a way Cas thought was only meant for him.

Of course it had been a lie. Nobody had wanted Castiel before, why would they want him now? He could never compete with Dean...how could he have even let himself try? And where was he supposed to go now? The Winchesters didn't want him, the angels didn't want him...Cas glanced down at his blade, sighing in defeat when he realized what he had to do.

All it took was a sharp jab. Cas could feel his grace leaking out, could feel his insides screaming...but there was something calming about it all. Something calming about knowing the physical pain would help send the emotional pain away...death, Castiel could deal with. Life without Sam? It seemed impossible. A tear slid down his cheek. Out of regret? Love? Pain? Even Cas wasn't sure. And then, suddenly, Cas felt nothing.

He was gone as suddenly as he'd arrived into the Winchesters lives. All that was left was his wedding ring, left on Sam's nightstand with a note: "For Dean."


End file.
